My Paranoia

Here I sit by the balcony, lighting the 8th cigarette. Silent cold breeze with moonlight over the head gives me company. Comfort is provided by the songs in background and adding voice to the empty house. It’s one of those days again where I am vulnerable and hostile. I yearn for your voice, your touch, your words or mere single message. I hold cigarette in one hand and whiskey glass by other only to keep them away from phone and refrain them from calling or messaging you.

It has worked for the past one and half hours, but cigarettes are about to finish now. Alcohol doesn’t let you make wise choices, and clearly five glasses of whiskey doesn’t seem to work in my favor of staying away from you.

I take a drag and gulp down the whole peg, fighting against the stupid voice in my head, I make myself another drink.

The song has changed too, I hardly can hear what is playing.

I see my life burning as I take another drag, turning to ashes.

Questions after questions bombard my head on what went wrong between us.

Answers still lack within like you do in my life. The Sky seems to be blurry, so the drink is working it’s charm I realize.

The head feels heavy, I cough up a little and smile. I am not brave enough to take my life but patient enough to see it taken away from me little by little.

One last drag and sip of the tenth drink, I collapse. Unable to move the glass is broken too. I lie there and my eyes feel heavy and I watch the blood oozing out from my hand. A small cut and even blood acts as a stranger, left alone.

Another day passed without you, I should rejoice.

Let’s hope we don’t do this tomorrow and it ends here,

otherwise

I need to buy more cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey

Cause without them, I would have already unblocked you and called you a several times.

To which you never would have answered.

- AlaN